Suffering without you
by Devilslilsistaxo678
Summary: After reading City of Lost Souls i felt the compulsion to write this. I am upset with how it ended and this is interpretation of what happens after. Spoiler Alert, please do not read if you have not read City of Lost Souls.


Alec lay against the uncomfortable surface of his bed, staring up at the ceiling of the institute. Once long ago it might have brought him some comfortable, now it was just a reminder. A reminder that he was alone here and not with him. It had been three long weeks. Three weeks of moping around, dragging his feet, and hoping that what happened was just a bad dream. It had come to the point that when he was walking down the hallway and someone began to talk to him, he would leave the room as soon as possible, with the excuse that he had to take a shower. He had already taken five so far today. Each time he would stand under the spray, and scrub at his skin until the pale white glowed red. A few locations had begun to go raw and even long after the wetness on his skin had faded the long red marks remained on his hip bones, stomach, and lower back. He didn't seem to care though; no he felt he deserved the marks. He thought of them as a reminder that it was his fault, his fault that Magnus hated him.

The others didn't know, he was too ashamed of himself to discuss what had transpired between the two. Whenever someone brought up Magnus, or asked how he was, he'd lie. He would tell them that the glowing man was taking a personal break from shadow hunters to recuperate from his wounds. The others had been accepting at this point, but with his lack of going to Magnus's he was wondering if they were getting suspicious. That's why tonight he had told Izzy he was going to over to visit. He wasn't really; he wasn't even going to leave the institute. He had decided after dressing in one of the outfits Magnus had bought for him that, he would hide down in the church behind the stone podium for the night. He crept down to the elevator, watching the iron contraption open; he slipped in silently and sighed as it began to drop down into the church. He assumed Izzy was out with Simon, she had been spending all of her time at him at Jordan's apartment with Maia. Jace, now healed mostly from his wound was probably out with Clary, doing god only knows what. His mother was probably worrying over paperwork up in her office, and Robert was probably avoiding his mother all together.

The elevator doors ding open. The church is empty. He walks silently through the pews the stone podium at the center holding the same offerings it always did. He climbed up the stairs and slid behind it, letting his back slide down the cold stone and down to the floor. He let himself reminisce about how long ago, when he was younger and him and Jace would come down here and sit. They would run through the pews holding witchlights and talking of how they would be great shadow hunters someday. Now that seemed like a distant memory. Now all of his thoughts had been spinning around a pair of yellow cat eyes, filled with hurt and betrayal. It made his chest hurt thinking about it, his heart clenching singing its misery to him. What he had done was stupid and unforgivable, and now he was cursed with being alone, without Magnus.

His body ached for the warlock's embrace. The simple touch of his hand or that cat like grin he would flash. The old saying was true, he thought bitterly to himself. You never know how much you love someone until they're gone. Gone. That was what he had done, with his own selfish want to keep Magnus to himself, he had pushed him away. Forever. His stomach lurched, his throat clenched. Alec struggled to get air into his lungs and he felt a stinging in his eyes. The tears fell and he let the first wave of sobs wrack his body. The hole in his chest screamed out for his warlock. He wrapped his arms around himself, burying his head into his knees, letting them soak up his tears.

Magnus…gone…forever.

The thought of it kept getting worse every day. The first few days he thought Magnus would call him back, and they would talk and Alec would apologize. But as a week came and went, Alec realized how serious this situation really was. Now he knew. He would rather die, old and gray and ugly, next to Magnus and his immortal beauty, then spend one more day, hour, minute, second without him. He hadn't been able to eat; food just didn't want to stay down. He couldn't sleep; his dreams were too heavy with thoughts of Magnus to ever let him escape the pain. Nothing, not hunting demons, not reading, not even his constant showers where he would scrub the agony into his skin, could get his mind of him.

The sobs had stopped his eyes raw and red. With a sigh he slipped out his stele and very gently applied the silence rune onto his neck. Silent, no one needed to know he was here, hiding the shame of what he had done. That he had tried to take away something that Magnus had processed since the day he was born. Trying to take away his immortality. And now he was doomed to live out the rest of his days regretting his decision.

Magnus's POV

He sat bitterly on his currently canary yellow couch, Chairman Meow sitting on the arm rest and a cup of coffee in front of him. Magnus had become in his eyes the definition of misery. He felt worse than the crazy cat lady that lived in the apartment building next door. His wound had healed, in the physical sense, but now his heart was heavy. Damn shadow hunters, damn the ways they could twist a person's heart, damn those blue eyes. Magnus thought he could never be as distraught as he was now. He had known what he was doing after receiving Camille's letter. He knew that as he followed the young boy towards Camille's lair what he had been thinking. It had hurt him, deeply. It was his immortality at stake, and Alec had wanted to strip it away. Magnus was not upset about the prospect of being mortal, he had thought of doing it a thousand times over if it meant being with Alec. But it was the fact that Alec had made the decision without him, behind his back. Their relationship had been a little rocky, but after Ireland he thought that there love had rekindled. With Alec caring for him like he was going to break at any minute. The fact that he had almost died brought new love and closeness in their relationship and now. He felt frustrated with himself. He'd known what he was doing then, telling Alec to move out. But now he just felt an aching regret. He felt lost and alone without his blue eyed lover.

Had he possibly judged to harshly? Sure he was upset but is kicking the person out of your life completely really a smart thing to do? He groaned in frustration and fell back against the couch. Chairman Meow mewed ruefully at him, before jumping off the couch and leaving his master. What was the boy doing now, he wondered. Was he sitting in his room reading? Or out fighting demons and dark things, trying to track down Sebastian. Was he missing him? Thinking of him?

He sighed and sat up; thinking about it wouldn't answer his questions. He stood and with confidence headed into his office. He'd never used his magic to spy on Alec in these three weeks, but maybe he should have. Maybe he should have just watched the boy and when he was sure he had suffered enough call him back home for a long discussion about trust and possibly couples therapy followed my long slow make up sex.

Yes Magnus liked that plan better than what he was doing now. He cast a small spell and watched as the clouds of blue smoke swirled into the image of his Alec, sitting in the Church of the institute crying. Magnus watched the image silently, the boy was shaking uncontrollable as the tears dripped from those beautiful blue eyes. He wanted to reach though into the church and wipe those tears away. After a while the tears subsided, and the boy carved a rune into his neck. He looked different from the last time Magnus saw him. He was thinner; the tight blue shirt that Magnus remembered buying for him looked loose. Under his eye, his raw red eyes, where dark circles so deep. Had he not slept? Had he not eaten? He had reduced the boy to this, crying alone in misery. He tried to swallow past the lump of remorse that had lodged itself in his throat.

A knock came to his door. He bit his lip, not wanting to take his eyes off of his Shadow hunter. But the knocking kept coming in a more rapid fashion. He groaned and walked out of his office and shut the door, leaving the image of Alec hanging in the air for him to return to. He went to the door and pressed the button.

"Whoever it is can go the hell away." He shouted, releasing the button and waiting.

"Magnus let me in!" Izzy retorts back, slamming her fists against the door.

"Oh alright I suppose I'll have to."

He flicked the button and opened the door, Izzy entered quickly. She looked dressed to go out. Her long hair was pulled back into a braided bun her black eyes burning. Her outfit was lovely; a short dress covered in little silver sequins that showed off her long legs. Magnus wondered in the back of his mind if it came in his size. She gave him a smile and looked around the apartment as if searching for something.

"Where's Alec?" she asked, turning to him confused.

"I beg your pardon?" Magnus asked surprised.

"Well he said he was coming to visit you. He said you had finally healed enough and gotten enough time away from us crazy Shadowhunters and wanted him to come and see you. I though since Simon and I were in the neighborhood that we could go out clubbing, maybe grab some food at Taki's." Izzy looked around once more, "He is here isn't he?"

She didn't know. Alec hadn't told her about their fight? This confused him; he didn't know how to react.

"Alec is…" Magnus looked back towards his office, "Alec's asleep, I think we had too much fun." He chuckled half-heartedly.

"Oh, well that's good." Izzy said with a smile, "It has been so long since he has gone to see you. I was afraid something bad had happened. I almost started to expect something when he stopped eating with us at dinner. And he hasn't been sleeping; it must have been because he was worried about you. Do me a favor, next time you need a break from Shadowhunters, take him with you. He can't function without you."

"I'll bare that in mind. Thank you for stopping by Isabelle."

"No problem. Tell Alec I love him."

And with that the girl slipped out of his apartment, leaving Magnus with even more to think about. He slowly walked back to his office. Why hadn't he told his family about the break up? Obviously it was affecting him in a negative way. Was it because he was ashamed? It couldn't be that he thought Magnus was going to take him back or else he wouldn't be crying as if he had lost everything. He stepped back into his office. Alec was sitting in the church still, holding himself. Tears were dripping slowly down his face. He wanted Alec now. He wanted him back in his apartment, on his couch, in his bed, wrapped in his arms. It hurt too much to be without the boy. He snapped his fingers and summoned his phone. He had bought Alec one to keep in touch, and he hoped that he had it on him now. He quickly dialed the number, pressing the phone against his ear and watching the boy. The phone rang, Alec didn't move. He must not have had the phone on him. He felt like screaming. He needed the boy to come to him now.

Fire message, he thought to himself, he could send his own form of a message to Alec. He shut the phone and grabbed a piece of paper from his messy desk. He wrote the message into the paper with magic, not trusting his hands to write out a message. It was simple and clear. He watched it as he burned it away and smiled as the message appeared before Alec. The boy took the note from the air, tears still in his eyes. He looked confused for a moment, then a smile, so beautiful Magnus felt tears come to his eyes. Alec stood the note he had written clutched to his chest and ran out of the blue mist.

Magnus stood, if his Shadowhunter was coming over, he would have to tidy up.

Alec's POV

Alec clutched at his chest, finally getting his breathing back to normal. Tears were still falling from his eyes but he would just have to get used to this. Being alone, not having the love of his life with him. He briefly wondered, if maybe he should just kill himself. But he was a Shadowhunter, if he was going to die it would be in battle. It would be noble, honorable. The war would be coming soon, Sebastian would lead an army. To die in a war to protect the fate of the world, that sounded like a good way to go. It would be more honorable than just killing himself. A sizzling sound came to his ears. He blinked and looked up to see a roll of paper appearing out of blue flames above him. It floated gently down onto his lap. He dared not touch it, his heart racing, could it be? He let his fingers touch the slightly warm paper, feeling the familiar buzz of magic that sent shivers down his spine. He picked up the note and read the words that had been etched into the material:

Come home now we need to talk,

And I miss you.

Magnus

Alec felt his heart leap up in his chest. He felt as if a weight had been released. This was real, this was real! Magnus wanted to talk to him, he missed him. He felt tears flood to his eyes and a smile find its way onto his face. He leapt to his feet, and bolted out the institution door. He was determined to sprint straight to Magnus's. The note clutched in his grip, he ran. The mundane's took notice to him running, but he didn't care. He didn't bother with glamour; he just needed to get to Magnus. To apologize, to be in his presence, to beg for forgiveness. Even if it turned out to be a lie, that Magnus was just taunting him, he would at least get to gaze at the man again.

He was panting, his muscles aching from lack of exercise and food. But he needed to Magnus more than food, or sleep, or even oxygen at this point. Finally his apartment came into view. Alec slowed his running down to a jog, until he was right in front of the building. He didn't have a key anymore, so he would have to ring the bell. He felt a new wave of nerves wash over him. God he wanted this to go well. He wanted to take whatever punishment was given to him, as long as Magnus didn't leave again. He climbed up the stairs, feeling nervous, his hands shaking. He pushed his finger against the ringer and waited.

"If it's some dumb customer go away. I am not home. But if it happens to be a certain someone who got a note I sent, then please speak now or else go away." His voice sent shivers up his spine.

Alec gulped and pushed his finger against the button again, "It's me, I got your message."

"Well then come up." The door clicked open and Alec climbed the stairs.

Every step he took felt heavy, like his feet had turned to lead. He was nervous, so so nervous. He needed Magnus to see how much he missed him, how much he regretted betraying his trust, how sorry he was. He reached the top of the stairs. He looked at Magnus's door; he had seen it a million times in his nightmares, being shut in his face. He gulped and leaned his fist forward to knock, but the door opened. Magnus stood before him, his hair down and falling into his face. His yellow cat eyes gleamed, and seemed to be taking in every inch of Alec's form, making the younger boy shiver slightly. Magnus was dressed in his usual attire. Jeans to tight to be legal in a bright shade of blue. On top he wore a tight black tank top with a purple and black sweater with feathers around the neck and hem. By the Angel he had missed the sight of him. It felt like it had been years since he had seen those bright eyes.

"Well are you going to come in or are you just going to stand there?" Magnus asked, turning on his heels and entering the apartment.

Without a word Alec followed him inside and gently shut the door behind him. Magnus leaned against the arm of his couch, arms crossed over his chest. Alec felt uncomfortable; he didn't know what to do. Should he get on his knees? Should he start crying and beg to be taken back? He heard Magnus sigh and looked up to see the warlock walking towards him. He met the Warlock's gaze; they stared at each other for a long moment, before Magnus grabbed him by the waist and pulled him against his chest. The embrace felt good, his soul ignited with the simple touch, he felt at peace for the first time in three weeks. He let his arms fall around the taller males neck, burying his nose into the crook of Magnus's neck, he smelt like Sandalwood.

"God I've missed you," Magnus whispered, his head resting on top of Alec's.

"I've missed you too." Alec whispered back.

"Alec," Magnus sounded remorseful, "we need to talk about what you did."

Alec pulled away quickly, keeping his arms on the warlock's chest. Alec felt the man's heart beating beneath his fingers, and the scar from where the knife had almost killed him.

"I made a mistake, a huge giant catastrophic mistake. I went behind your back, I plotted against you. I tried to take away what makes you, you. I am the worst sort of person. I am selfish and I am sorry. I'm sorry I put you through this, lied to you, I don't deserve you." He whimpered, letting his hands slip away from the warlock, "I broke your trust in me, I became so fixated on keeping us together that I just pushed us a part. And I know that a simple I'm sorry won't be enough."

He dared not look at the Warlock, or meet his gaze. He kept his head down to the floor, heart hammering into his chest. He had said his peace. He wondered if he should leave, he took a step back. Magnus grabbed him and pulled him back against his chest.

"We're not done talking."Magnus sighed, "I have stuff I need to say too."

Alec froze, held his breath, and waited for the inevitable.

"I'm sorry." Magnus started, "That I couldn't be more understanding towards your situation. I was angry, angry at Camille for bringing space between us. Angry at you for going behind my back, upset with myself that I couldn't have been there to prevent it. I should have known you would be thinking about it. I know that you're scared of not being with me, hell I'm scared too. I'm scared that you're going to die every single day and I don't want to lose you. I shouldn't have judged you so harshly and kicked you out. We should have done this three weeks ago. We should have talked it out like normal people do. We need to communicate with each other. Alexander I love you."

Alec looked up, he was shaking all over, he had expected Magnus to reject him, tell him it was fun while it lasted and kick him to the curb. He wasn't expecting an apology, or for Magnus to still love him.

"I love you too." He whispered back, burying his face into the Warlocks chest.

"Well now that we have all that heavy crap out of the way," Magnus says with a sigh, "We need to discuss you."

"Me?" Alec asked, "Do you need me to make up for it, cause I can."

"No," Magnus sighs, smiling down at his Alec, "I was referring more to your health."

"My health?" Alec asked, "what about it?"

"When was the last time you've eaten, you have gotten skinner. Last time I had you wear that shirt it was almost too small, now it looks too big."

"Magnus-"

"No you need to eat, why haven't you been eating, has Izzy been trying to cook again?" Magnus asked, leading the boy into his kitchen.

"No I just, haven't been able to eat."

"Well whatever you want I will snap it up, then we can continue our discussion."

After Alec requested his food, which was just a box of Taki's pork stir fry, Magnus simply sat and watched him. Pestering him to eat more when Alec was already full with the small portion he had eaten.

"So our final issue of the evening." Magnus says, watching Alec tense under his gaze, "We need to move your stuff back in. It shouldn't take too long."

"You really want me to move back in?" Magnus could see the hope glittering in the boys eyes.

"Of course I want you to move back in, this place isn't home without you in it anymore. The Chairman has been going crazy waiting for you to come home."

As if on cue the little cat jumped up onto the table and lay in front of Alec, waiting for his ears to be scratched.

"I missed you too Chairman."

They fell back into silence. Chairman Meow purring happily as Alec rubbed at his ears. Magnus felt happy, with Alec sitting across from him. The apartment felt at balance. He was sure he would have to try Fung Shui to put the apartment at peace. Really the only thing it was missing was a thin Shadowhunter with bright blue eyes.

"Why didn't you tell the others?" Magnus asked.

"I felt ashamed," Alec mumbled, bringing the Chairman closer into his arms, "I knew they would be disappointed in me. And I was already so upset with myself. I didn't want them involved in my misery."

"I wonder if we should go to couples therapy. We could go onto the TV show they have on MTV and we would be the cutest couple in the place." Magnus joked lightly.

"I don't think it would be a good idea to go to couples therapy on a television show. Not to mention the fact that we are not even mundane's it would be weird. Besides wouldn't it be easier to just see a normal couple's counselor?"

"I suppose, but it would be so much less dramatic."

"I think you bring enough drama that we wouldn't even need a camera crew to get attention."

"I will take that as a compliment."

Magnus watched as Alec let out a yawn, releasing chairman meow, who leapt from his lap and waltzed to another location in the apartment. With a snap of his fingers Alec's dinner was cleared away. He stood and crossed to the other side of the table. He grabbed Alec's hand and brought him up the stairs to their bedroom. He grabbed a pair of pajamas that would fit Alec from his closet and handed the bundle to him. He himself simply snapped his fingers, leaving him in a pair of silk yellow boxers. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Alec half asleep already stripped of his shirt and pants. It was then that Magnus noted the red marks covering the pale skin around Alec's back and stomach. He stood and reached forward.

Alec was in the middle of slipping on the shirt Magnus had provided for him when he felt cold fingers touching his stomach. He hissed slightly, feeling the digits glide across his abdomen, over the red marks he had left. He felt hands grip his shoulders, the shirt being pulled from off his head. Magnus pushed him back into the bed, crawling on top of him. Alec sighed; the bed was more comfortable than any institute bed. Magnus loomed over him with a fiery look in his eyes. He brought his hand back to Alec's stomach and touched it harder than before, making Alec yelp.

"How did you get these?" Magnus droned.

"Compulsive showering to avoid talking to people?" Alec stated, Magnus nearly raised his eyebrow.

"You look like you've scrubbed at your skin with steel wool."

Alec felt the familiar tingle of magic healing the red marks on his skin, the blue sparks of it making his vision blur slightly. The warmth spread though him, and Alec blushed as he felt himself become aroused by the magic flowing from Magnus's finger tips.

The magic faded and nothing was left to mare his Shadowhunters skin. He leaned up taking in the sight of his bare skin, the black marks swirling around his body. Then he noticed the blush crossing Alec's face. He smirked; oh he was going to enjoy this. He leaned forward, finally capturing Alec in a kiss. It felt right, filled with sparks, just like the first kiss they had shared. God why did he let himself suffer without this. The simple kiss morphed into a more slow, passion filled on; as Magnus let his tongue slip between Alec's parted lips. His fingers ran along Alec's side, while Alec slipped his hands into Magnus's hair, tugging at it just the way Magnus liked it.

Magnus broke the kiss letting his mouth plant kisses all over Alec's neck and down his chest, tasting his skin. Alec was panting, letting little sighs slip out, as if he was teasing Magnus in a way. He slid his tongue down to Alec's navel and dipped his tongue in, enjoying the gasp the young boy released.

"Magnus," Alec called out, "I need you."

Magnus felt his own arousal stiffen as the words came out of his lover's mouth. Slipping his fingers around the waistband of Alec's boxers he ripped them off, revealing his lovers swollen erection. He snapped his fingers, as a bottle lube appeared in his hand. He opened it and spread a generous amount onto his fingers. He leaned forward and met lips with Alec again. Their tongues danced as Magnus began to tease at his lover's entrance. Alec gasped and moaned underneath him as Magnus worked two fingers inside of him, scissoring the tight hole. He added a third finger, stretching it out more, then in a slow manner he grazed his fingers against Alec's sweet spot. Alec's head went back against the pillow, a shaking moan releasing from his lips.

"By the Angel," he gasped.

Magnus brushed his fingers over it a few more times; Alec was going to lose it. Suddenly he felt the fingers leave him, and he groaned in displeasure. Magnus leaned over him and brought his lips to Alec's ear.

"Beg." Was his simple command.

"Magnus please," Alec gasped, "I need you inside of me, please take me."

Magnus smirked, he snapped his boxers away and spread the lube over his length, watching Alec's lust filled eyes, gaze at him. Slowly he pulled Alec towards him, letting the tip of his member touch Alec's hole, pushing in slightly. Alec instinctively wrapped his legs around the warlock' waist, pressing Magnus deeper into him, but not deep enough.

"Magnus please," Alec whimpered, "make me scream."

Magnus thrust forward, burying himself fully into Alec. The boy let out a moan, bring his arms up around his lover's neck. Magnus had missed this heat, this rush of pleasure that only Alec seemed to bring him, that sparked power inside of him. He began to thrust in a steady beat, watching the wanton expressions cross Alec's face each time Magnus allowed himself to brush against his prostate.

"Harder." Alec moaned.

Magnus allowed himself to speed up, slamming himself into the warm cavern, moaning in pleasure at the tightness of it. He had missed intimacy with Alec; god did his eyes look wonderful staring up at him in the heat of love making. They locked eyes. Magnus slowed in his speed, but continued to slam hard. He let one of his hands wrap around Alec's weeping member and began to jerk it in time with his slow thrusts. Alec continued to moan, tugging at a piece of Magnus's dark hair. He was close, he hard thrusts now with the added pressure of Magnus's hand on his cock was almost too much. The heat in his body rose; he felt it rise to consume his chest, all the way down to his toes.

"Magnus, I'm going to-" he choked out.

"Me too baby," Magnus groaned.

Magnus let his thrusts quicken and become more sporadic, he was at the edge, ready to fall into his orgasm, he met Alec's gaze again watching as the boy let out one last moan.

"Magnus!" He cried, digging his fingers into Magnus's shoulder blades.

Magnus continued to pump him, he felt Alec tighten around him sending him over the edge as well.

"Alec," he let himself groan, thrusting as deep as he could go and releasing.

The two stayed with their arms wrapped around each other. Sweat glistened on their bodies. Magnus unsheathed himself and slowly rolled over onto his back, bringing Alec against his chest. God he had missed him, and he was determined to never let him go again.

"I love you," Alec whispered, resting his face against Magnus's chest, "more than anything."

"And I love you," Magnus smiled, "best make up sex ever."

He felt Alec chuckle lightly. He had kept the boy up long enough. Alec slowly and with a smile on his face let himself drift to sleep next to the man he loved.


End file.
